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What´s the difference between light and hard? You can go to bed with a light on.
I wasn`t even going for broke. But I got it!
They say that being successful and living well is the best revenge. That may be so, but rubbing your naked ass all over someone`s cell phone when they aren`t looking is pretty good too ?
If it were easy then everyone would act like me.
I`ve been building my own particle accelerator. Plan to create a boson particle. Explore the mysteries.....you know what? This is a lot of work. Think I`m just going to have a beer and play Call of Duty.
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
You took the time to make your minivan look like a reindeer, but you can`t take one second to hit the turn signal an inch from your fingers?
I Don’t answer text messages right when I get them so I don’t seem desperate. Then, I forget about them and never respond.
I put a bumper sticker that says "Honk if You Think I`m Sexy" on my car. Then I wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
With my background and genetics, you guys should be happy I am half as normal as I am.
Nothing says lazy like laying on the couch making today`s responsibilities tomorrow`s problem.
My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
iTunes got it all wrong, the hottest single of the year is me.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancee by the way he hasn`t murdered her