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I bet anyone who`s had to fight a bear has snuck at least one hug in
I would watch tennis more often if they replaced the ball boys with untrained golden retrievers.
I used to dream about becoming an astronaut. Now I just dream that there`s still time before the alarm goes off.
The truth is, men put the lids on jars that tight so you’d need us, we’re not that stupid.
I`m only 30 lbs away from my New Year`s resolution to lose 20 lbs!!
Your things are terrific.
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I think I`ve finally found someone I could spend the rest of my life with, I should probably get out of her closet and introduce myself.
If I’m not eating I’m most likely not happy.
No, I don`t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
I tell my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
I swear on this f*cking chicken I will never swear again. Oops.
If you don`t believe that women will actually fight over a pair of shoes, you`ve never watched The Wizard of Oz!
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone "Hello you`re on the air" and 99% of the time people will just hang up
dreams of a better world... where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned