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Cop: There was no else going anywhere nearly as fast as you! Me: I know. I was winning.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they`re talking?
If you live in a custom-built house that doesn’t have a secret room hidden behind a fake bookcase, then seriously what is the point?
"I ran a half marathon" sounds so much better than "I quit halfway through a marathon"
United should roll out Rodeo Rewards where you get paid based on how long you are able to stay on the plane when you are chosen to volunteer.
If your man is reluctant to talk about his feelings, it’s probably because you haven’t told him what they are yet.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
Sometimes it looks like I’m flashing gang signs, but really I’m just trying to get Scotch tape off my hand.
Remember to make some bad decisions today. 20 years from now that’s all you’ll have to make your kids think you’re cool.
If you have alphabet fridge magnets and morals, you probably shouldn`t invite me over.
As I slid my finger slowly down her G string, I thought to myself "this is a nice guitar"
my mom and I have so much in common..she doesn`t listen and niether do I :p
"Does this dress make me look fat?"-- Now, what I SHOULD have said was, "No, dear! You are little black dress approved!" but what came out was, "When did your bum move to the front?"
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it... turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
When you are on a first date and she says to you: "I want you to treat me like a movie star," it is vitally important to establish which type of movie