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Everyday Iām shoveling. ā Winter 2014
Just ordered a chicken and an egg off the internet to see which comes first. I`ll keep you posted.
is easily distracted by shiny objects.
I hate when I forget my sunglasses and get caught staring at a woman`s boobs for 20 minutes.
How to cuss a kid out... "Shut the fudge up you little astronaut! You son of a batch of cookies! What the helicopters are you doing?!"
I think instead of doing laundry I`m just going to buy a second hamper...
Be the best you can be, while being the worst that you`re able to get away with.
Yes, I talk to myself...Yes, I answer myself and Yes, I argue with myself....and the makeup sex is awesome.
Whenever I watch the TV show Friends, I imagine I`m the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him.
Give a man a fish and he`ll go to McDonald`s instead. Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald`s
When I die, I am going to haunt the f*ck out of you people.
I looked up "thesaurus" in my thesaurus and it says "Don`t be a smart-a$$".
That awkward moment when the guy who discovered milk had to explain what he was doing to the cow.
Dear eyelashes, wishbones, dandelions, pennies, shooting stars, 11:11, and birthday candles ... Do your damn job.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.