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Life lesson: you never have to feel ashamed of anything you buy as long as you buy a birthday card at the same time
Going to McDonalds for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug
Since my girlfriend has gotten pregnant alot has changed... Like my name, address and telephone number.
I love my six-pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat.
Why fall in love when you can fall asleep?
I’m not a biologist but I’m pretty sure the difference between a moth and a butterfly is that a moth is really ugly.
Dear Santa: I have been good for the past week or so. Lets just focus on that.
I don`t like country music, but I don`t mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means `put down`.
I think today I`m going to cut off the sleeves of my snuggie and walk around the neighborhood pretending I`m in a Clint Eastwood western movie.
It only takes 3.5 inches to please a woman, it doesn`t matter if its Visa or Mastercard.
I`m kind of like Hugh Hefner. Only without the mansion, the exotic cars, the girls, the magazine and the money. Basically, I`m just a guy in a bathrobe.
You know its Monday when your left eye wont open and your right eye is twitching.
If you think about it, before the first mirror was invented, if you didn’t live near a body of water, you had no idea what you looked like.
In fact, yes, l can multitask. I can screw up several things at once.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I want to use my finger and write WASH ME on her face…