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I`m a spontaneous procrastinator
Lol at birds that walk places.
I went to open a can of Whoop-Ass but it had a child-proof lid.
In my experience, most arguments are caused by a misunderstanding of the fact that I’m right.
Why is it when you run into a spider web, you suddenly turn into a ninja?
The nice thing about being single is when you`re setting the silverware, it doesn`t matter which side you put the remote on.
I can`t remember if I have any repressed memories.
Researchers claim that the Internet is making us dumber and more impatient. I don`t get it. Moving on.
Announcement: .. the Time Travelers Meeting scheduled for today will be held last Thursday
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I`d like to read a medication bottle that says, "May cause extreme sexiness".
Just once I want someone to make a movie that’s sideways on the screen so I can watch it laying down without getting a kink in my neck.
"Wish You Were Beer!" Wait...no...that`s right...send.
I hate when people stare at me and don’t say anything. I mean if you want an autograph or a picture just ask..!
Guns don`t kill people. Fathers with beautiful daughters do. Happy Fathers Day!
I wonder what my future wife is doing right now ... Hopefully modeling.