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I told my psychiatrist that I`ve been hearing voices. He told me that I don`t have a psychiatrist.
Dad, I love how we don`t even have to say out loud that I`m your favorite. Happy Fathers Day!
If your house doesn`t have house numbers on it, you need to address that situation.
I can`t stand people who blame everyone else for their problems....I`d be successful and happy by now if it wasn`t for them!!!!
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Life is a constant battle between my love of food & not wanting to get fat.
Been there, done that. Then, been there several more times, because apparently I never learn.
If I`ve learned anything from these ghost hunter shows, it’s that everyone speaks English after they die.
An empty web browsing history is a sure sign of guilt.
If I were to quit my job today and become a psychic, I would advertise with a sign that reads, “Voted best psychic of 2016!"
People say 60 is the new 40 but the cop who just pulled me over doesn`t agree.
Do I regret it? Yes. Would I do it again? Hell Yes.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he’ll probably be like, “Hey, remember when you used to just give me fish?”
Listen lady, if you stopped screaming maybe you would enjoy holding hands with me.
Sometimes, my greatest accomplishment is just keeping my mouth shut.