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Does lying face down on this carpet make me look unsociable?
Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, & nothing but the truth" ... I choose dare, your honor
People who are offended by offensive things offend me.
I was visited by three spirits last night, Vodka, Rum And Gin. . .
I feel like I`m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don`t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
Nothing f*cks up your Friday like realizing that it’s only Thursday.
My neighbor thinks I`m crazy and that I`ve been stalking her. well at least that`s what her diary says.
Hit me with your pet shark #RuinAn80sSong
Tenderizing the meat sounds a lot sexier than it is
Currently helping my son look for his chocolate that I ate last night.
I read an article the other day that said if you drink every day you are an alcoholic. Thank God I only drink every night.
Happy Birthday to someone I would donate some non-essential organs to, and the fact that a Facebook reminder told me it was your birthday doesn´t make it any less special. Plus I live so far away that your birthday requires almost no effort on my part. And sorry I tried to kill you all those times when we were
What if oxygen makes our voice really deep, and Helium just brings it back to normal?
I like how the package for cotton swabs says don`t put them in your ears and everyone in the world is thinking: "WTF else would I do with them?!"
I love food, napping on the couch, and getting super excited about car rides, I`m basically a golden retriever.