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Don`t rush me, I`m waiting until the last minute.
I`ve noticed more and more little kids with cell phones and social networks. What does a kindergartner have to tweet about? "I`m getting better at drawing in the lines!" #cantwaitforstorytime
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I have to like you. Go on, I`ll wait.
Trying to learn Mandarin Chinese but the amount of money I`m spending on fortune cookies is getting ridiculous.
Now what`s funny is "Si" from Duck Dynasty
Someone asked me how much love was worth and I couldn’t answer because alimony is calculated differently in each state.
My buddy asked me the other night if he could crash on my couch. I had to explain to him that I`m married now and that`s where I sleep.
Never make eye contact while eating a banana
I`m alone in my car ... Counting it as a vacation.
They don`t even serve apples at Applebee`s. Or bees.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
It seems racist that they call it Black Friday just because a bunch of people are trying to get into stores in the middle of the night.
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody`s there to appreciate it.
I wish I had Dora`s mom and dad, they let that girl go everywhere.
Conversation between Adam and Eve must have been difficult at times because they had nobody to talk about.