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Thought I saw a kangeroo today turned out to be a greyhound taking a dump !
If it requires pants, its not happening today.
Bring donuts so your coworkers will like you. Cut them in half so they will hate you again.
I just found handcuffs, a whip and a mask in my girlfriend’s bedroom. I can’t believe she’s a super hero.
I ate too much salad over the weekend so I`m going on an Oreo cleanse today.
You’re the shampoo in the eyes of my life.
How do they even grow boneless chicken`s?
Don’t ask me again” is my favorite computer button that I wish was also a real life button.
I am at my most hostage negotiator when I see my 3 year old with a permanent marker without a lid.
Every time I think I finally have the life I always dreamed of....I wake up.
The most amazing thing about the internet is how it allows you, with the click of a few buttons, to do absolutely nothing with your life
You trust me holding your child? Do you know how many iPhone screens I’ve cracked?
I`m not just living paycheck to paycheck. I`m living from paycheck to change jar to scrap aluminum to liquor store to paycheck.
I`m going to invent a cleaning product that kills .1% of all germs and bacteria. It doesn`t sound very effective, but I`m going to get it placed right next to all the other cleaning products that kill 99.9% of all germs and bacteria.
I`m "BE KIND & REWIND" years old.