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You health nuts are gonna feel real stupid when you`re laying in the hospital dying of nothing.
You know you watch too much porn when you go to a hospital expecting a threesome.
Eventually, some poor astronaut is going to crash into all that Star Wars writing
Just pour the coffee and back away slowly.
At first it was "Okay" and then "ok" and now "k" and soon it will disappear and you`ll all regret it
If you read your timeline backwards it is about a person who hates everything and gradually becomes happier until they get a life.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Why fall in love when you can fall asleep?
When I`m bored, I dress up as Waldo, walk up to strangers (in a crowded airport), and say "psssst... if ANYBODY asks......YOU ain`t seen me... capiche?"
There are no limits to what you can accomplish when you’re supposed to be doing something else.
Irony: Asking God to help you on a science exam.
The thing I miss most about being young is knowing everything.
Unplug the copier at work & put a sign on it that says “now voice activated!” Sit back & watch the magic unfold.
Honey, tact is for people who aren`t witty enough to be sarcastic.
If A-B-C-D didn`t drag out their part of the Alphabet song, LMNOP wouldn`t have to be so rushed.