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Confidence is going after Moby Dick in a row boat ... and taking the tartar sauce with you.
I`ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn`t just put the dots in the shape of the actual letters.
If it requires pants, its not happening today.
When anyone ask me to babysit, I ask if their kid is a "mean drunk" or a "happy drunk." Gets me out of it every time.
At any given time, my wallet is worth more than it’s contents.
I want to give up coffee, but I`d hate to do that to my coworkers.
Friends are like orgasms... nobody wants the fake ones.
I like how flies rub their hands together like tiny criminals
Got kicked out of Ziggy`s. " supposably" your not allowed to stand on their scales. Says I broke them. On the brighter side I weigh 135900 grams
So I was thinking... We should get drunk and make bad decisions.
When you are dead, you don`t know you are dead but other people do. The same is true when you are stupid.
I have no idea how I use to get around in the dark before I had a cell phone.
You don`t have to drink to have fun... Just have fun drinking!
Do you smoke? Smokers: "Yes." Non-Smokers: "Never have, never will." Stoners: "Smoke what?"
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.