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The cashier at the dollar store told me to have a good day. Like my purchase of shelf liner suggested any other plan.
Do you want to know Victoria`s Secret? Their lingerie doesn`t look the same on your girlfriend as it does on their models..
I like people. I just don`t want them talking to me. Or breathing near me. Or making me look up from my phone.
What idiot called it "best man" instead of "lord of the rings"
Sometimes I wish I wasn`t rich and handsome and delusional.
I went to the bank and said I`d like to open a joint account. They said "With who?" I said "Anyone who has a lot of money!"
Iām late for a disappointment.
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
As your best friend, I swear to always pretend to be your lesbian lover when you are getting hit on by an ulgy ass hole in a bar.
Pro tip for picking up girls ā keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
If there is enough room to spell `bootylicious` on the back of your shorts...it probably isn`t
Next time some one does something REALLY stupid, just smack them and say, "Man, did you see the size of that bug?"
Proposing to a woman isn`t like choosing a life-long business partner. It`s more like hiring your own boss.
If you don`t remember her name in the morning, take her to Starbucks.
I`m running out of reasons to call into work. Do you think "emergency circumcision" is a good excuse?