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That awkward moment when im in the Airport, I walk through the metal detector, and my abs of steel set it off
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
I laid awake all night again worrying about why I’m always so tired.
If it wasn’t for caffeine I wouldn’t be a functioning member of society.
My mom wanted to talk to me about my maturity today, but she didn`t know the password to my secret fort.
Have we considered putting Scooby Doo and the gang on the Malaysian airplane caper?
Given the places I`ve had my tongue, no we cannot "just be friends".
Starbucks announced guns are no longer allowed in their stores. Seems crazy banks didn`t think of this.
There`s a reason why natural disasters have female names.
I`m out of bacon. This is my suicide note.
When someone says “You just made my day,” it makes my day.
Wearing my pajamas to Walmart. I don`t want to attract any attention.
I learned two important lessons today. I can`t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
Living with a child is like using a blender with no lid...
There should be a law requiring the cashier to high five you every time you buy a box of condoms.