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I`ve spent approximately 2% of my life walking back to the trash can and checking the box to see how long I need to microwave my food.
Hey dude who flipped me off in the Subway parking lot for honking at you, you left your dinner on top of your car.
Coffee : Starter fluid for the morning impaired.
I don`t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
Girl: I am not having having s@x with guys at the moment. Boy:I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue
Oh, he uses you for sex? Stop bitching…Sex is awesome. Complain when he’s using you for laundry….. or a human shield.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
The only thing worse than having a song stuck in your head for an entire day is not knowing the name of the song.
Anybody know where the cheapest place to buy 12 red roses is?.....just asking for a friend.
I used to date this girl that worked at Hasbro, but I finally got sick of all her games.
Fitness nuts have to do an entire marathon to feel a runner`s high..... I just have to bend over and tie my shoes.
Have you ever just sat there and realized how weird you are?
I can eat a piece of pie without a plate or a fork what else should I write on this dating site profile?
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Anything is legal when there`s no police around