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Almost time for my nightly foursome......... Me, my bed, my pillow and my blanket! What the hell were YOU thinkin` you perv!!!!!!
Next time you over hear a stranger giving out their number. Text them details of what they are wearing. It`s so fun to watch them freak out!
You`d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car ... But I won`t
i love you with all my butt. i would say heart but my butt is bigger :)
Don`t get me started Bitches, I don`t come with brakes.
Being skinny might be nice, but having pizza is nicer.
People who talk to themselves tend to be better lovers. Did you know that? Yes, I did know that. Thank you for asking.
Nobody texts faster than a pissed off female.
I have a million dollar idea that I will share with the first million people to send me a dollar.......
Breaking news: Newt saw his shadow. Six more weeks of campaigning and attack ads.
If you have just started playing flappy bird I would like to warn you there is nothing up ahead but more dangling pipes and disappointment
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him. Must get that from his mother.
I’m writing this from the hospital. Don’t worry! The doctors say I’m going to be OK but I must warn you. The Dyson Ball Cleaner has a very misleading name!
I think my iPhone is broken. I pressed the home button and I’m still at work.
I`m terribly conflicted when people I hate from work, bring cupcakes.