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All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Can`t afford P90X or INSANITY workout videos? Go find a wasp nest and slap the sh!t out of it. Never knew I could shadow box,bicycle kick,and twirl while floating.
I don`t get it, no matter how many times I call `shotgun` the cops always put me in the backseat.
I love long walks on the beach under the moonlight, poetry, candlelight dinners, and having my a$$ spanked with a fuzzy slipper.
Get at least eight hours of beauty sleep, 9 if you`re ugly.
Why are people with BAD breath always wanting to tell me a secret?
I’m eating just in case I get hungry later
Every load of laundry that I wash, dry, fold, and put away makes nudists seem less crazy.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
I really want to see you tonight. So could you please leave the blinds up and the curtains open?
I want the job of placing pepperoni slices on frozen pizzas, because clearly whoever has it is now has problems.
Why do they even offer 2014 as an option when selecting your birth date? Like you’re fresh out of the womb ready to join Gmail.
Mirrors don`t lie. Lucky for you, they don`t laugh either.
Drinking doesn’t make me post better Facebook status updates; it just makes me not care what you think of them…
The nice thing about living in the southern states is that "He needed killing" is a valid legal defense here.