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When you`re trying to change the channel on the tv, and the remote starts ringing, you`re probably drunk.
Sometimes you have to burn a few bridges, to stop the weirdos from following you.
On a scale of Doopers, you`re pretty Super.
Is it just me or does chocolate taste even better late at night, hence the the last four letters of the word chocoLATE?!
Things to do today.....pet all the spiders in my house at least twice with my shoe.
I put a dollar in one of those change machines once. Nothing changed.
Women come in two types: batsiht crazy and hot enough to ignore the batsiht crazy…
If you ever hear me say that I missed you it`s only because I have bad aim.
Joggers always give each other a little nod when they pass, just like fat guys in a buffet line.
When a man says he`ll do anything for a woman, he means slaying dragons, killing zombies and rescuing her from castle towers. IT DOES NOT MEAN cleaning garage, fixing roof and cleaning out the basement!
Please ignore this status, I am standing alone and I don`t want to seem like a total loner, so I am making it look like I am texting
I hate when I’m walking into the gym and the wind blows me into the liquor store.
Dear autocorrect: at no point have I ever meant “ducking.”
I just heard a woodpecker call me a `paranoid old weirdo` in morse code.
Did you know that if we laid all the facebook account owners end to end around the world. Three quarters of them would Drown? Hmm ....