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They say that being successful and living well is the best revenge. That may be so, but rubbing your naked ass all over someone`s cell phone when they aren`t looking is pretty good too ?
People that walk behind cars get exhausted
Eventually, some poor astronaut is going to crash into all that Star Wars writing
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
I wonder how many people`s phones out there have my name saved in contacts as "DO NOT ANSWER"
I only eat the entire pint of ice cream in one sitting so that I won`t be tempted to eat it later.
I`ve never gone to bed with an ugly woman. Woken up to a whole bunch of them though.
My mother said, "You won`t amount to anything because you procrastinate." I said, "Oh ya.....Just you wait."
The 21st century: When deleting history is more important than making it.
If my jokes offend you: 1. I’m sorry. 2. It won’t happen again. 3. 1 & 2 are lies. 4. You’re a wussy.
Jobs are like relationships. You have them, you cry about it. You don’t have them, you cry about it.
There`s a time and a place for non-alcoholic beer. Never, and down the drain.
I got kicked out of a Yoga class today. Apparently, your not supposed to do the `Downward Dog` on top of another person.
What`s the opposite of wanting to hear about you doing crossfit? I`m that.
Shout out to the single lady I saw buying a bunch of Duracell batteries on Valentine`s Day.