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I`m 99.9% certain that every time a sock goes missing in the dryer, it comes back as an extra tupperware lid
Probably the most exciting feature on the new Iphone is the way it upgrades simple phone theft into full on finger removal.
4 out of 5 dentists agree that 1 out of 5 dentists is just doing it for the attention.
All I want is some ketchup packets placed in the bag, without having to ask!
Next time I get a bunch of, "likes," on a comment I post on someones status/photo etc.. Im gonna edit my comment and change the whole comment to, "like this status if you would f*ck your father." Just to make anyone else who reads it from then on think ill about the people who liked it. ™
I`m combining Easter and April Fools day this year - I`m sending the kids out to look for eggs I haven`t hidden.
Engineers: "okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it"
Girls with tattoos on your tits, Why? We`re already looking at them.
Of course bears sh!t in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
Note to self: Asking the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your Facebook status in no way helps you get out of a DUI.
The lady next to me in the elevator told me to press One. That was the last thing I remembered
Sarcasm is a dominant gene in my family.
We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up… After I finish laughing.
Firemen must dread the moment when they`re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
Tip of the day: Don`t be a douche!