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Lets face it we have all tried to get something done before the microwave timer goes off.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they`re not passing you some fake sh!t.
I make way more decisions than I should based on the battery life of my phone.
Don`t blame me. You`re the one following a 41 year old man who just jumped into his bed like an Olympic athlete because scary monsters.
Maybe cologne should come with a two sprays a day lock on it.
Fun Fact: Even though they call it a "man hole", you can shove women and children down it just fine.
Why do crutons come in resealable bags? Are we really worried about them going stale?
I hate that I have to put on clothes to participate in society.
Dropping a can of soda and sticking it back in the fridge all shaken up for the next person to open is not as funny when you live by yourself.
I dont understand these pregnancy test things, so I took another one just to be sure. Just as I thought, its negitive, we`re not pregnant! Now how am I going to tell my wife she is just fat.
Sometimes I`ll go out in public and socialize with people, those times are called alibis.
The only complaint I have about being married is being married.
Missed connection: you were washing your car in a bathing suit. I rode past your house 78 times. You threw a rock at me.
People always say, "You can`t have your cake and eat it too." I say, "Of course you can. Just make two cakes!"
I like to track people down, knock on their front door and say "we have ten people in common on Facebook, can I come in ?"