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is pretty sure there´s a lot more to life than being really, really, ridiculously good looking...And I plan on finding out what that is.
Just woke up next to my bed. Not sure if I fell out or didn`t quite make it in.
I’m better at remembering people who have bad breath than important historical facts.
If you think your having a bad day ... You could be digging your own grave at gun point and find buried treasure.
These old people at the bus stop really suck at paintball.
Unless your kid’s fundraiser is selling booze, I want no part of it.
’twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, everyone was screaming ... cuz I went into the wrong house.
I was going to LIKE and compliment your FB pic, but I`m not a good liar.
You think I’m mean? If only you knew what I say in my head.
Just saw a homeless guy sleeping in a box and it was surrounded by bubble wrap. It must be his alarm system.
I bought a book called `How to become an expert at Origami`. So far, I`ve made 1000 paper snowballs.
I just discovered my oven CAN CLEAN ITSELF! Naturally I will be searching my apartment looking for similar buttons.
I like how the package for cotton swabs says don`t put them in your ears and everyone in the world is thinking: "WTF else would I do with them?!"
Fact: You wish Facebook had the middle finger button.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they`re 18.