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Somewhere someone`s therapist knows you.
Growing up is when you go from using drugs for fun to using drugs for survival.
Happy New Years Everyone! (I stole this status:) )
Forecast for today: Unproductive with a chance of a late drinking session.
I’ve been saving up my tickets for 27 years sir, and I would like to purchase this very chuck e cheese.
Just because they sell yoga pants in XXL doesn`t mean it`s ok to wear them in public.
I remember, once upon a time... for about 2 seconds... about 13 years ago... I almost gave a damn.
Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.
I`m happy that my grandma thinks that a iPad is for wet and leaking eyes
Happy Halloween… may all of your skeletons stay in the closet where they belong!
You never know how little self control you have until they put chips and salsa in front of you at a Mexican restaurant.
My head has that drunk on cheap alcohol feel without me getting to actually drink the alcohol :(
Let’s just call a vacation what it is: the opportunity to live like an alcoholic for a little while.
Lightning is like God`s way of saying "Get out of that tree you pervert!"
Car alarms should sound like two chicks in a fight. I`d look out the window for that.