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"Love is all we need."-Said a wise man 40 years ago. He obviously has never had a computer
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
I love how stars are billions of miles apart and we`re like "that`s a soup ladle".
when girls say bye .......... may be it means buy something for her.....
When I was six, my dad threw me into the pool thinking I would instantly learn to swim. I probably would if it had water in it.
Everytime I find the key to happiness, somebody changes the lock.
I don’t know who decided that high heels were just for women but…GOOD CALL.
Turtles make an awesome jogging buddy.
I bet someone could get really rich opening a business that untangles Christmas lights!
If I drop my food on a plane, and we change time zones at the same time, do I receive an additional hour to the 5 second rule?
I bet cats are mad they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
I mixed Taco Bell sauce into my Ramen Noodles, It tastes exactly like poverty.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I fart in my sleep.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned. She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
You guys make me wanna be a better alcoholic!