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I shouldn`t have to work. People should just pay me for being awesome.
What number SPF blocks people?
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don`t want to do.
If you cry loudly enough at a Walmart everyone will just assume you work there.
Girls must buy $500 purses just to impress other girls. No guy has ever said "Bro, she was ugly...but that purse...
It`s friday!! I smell vodka ;)
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
McDonald’s Management Rule #23: “The employee with the most severe accent or speech impediment must work the drive-thru at all times.”
Clearly, it is wrong to describe woman`s menopause as "the old Fallopian tubes finally rusting shut." My bad.
I feel like I am losing my mind !!! But as long as I can keep the bit that tells me when to pee, I should be OK !!
Having a mohawk used to mean you were tough. Now it means you’re a 3 year-old with annoying parents.
Bowling is my favorite sport because you don`t have to run and there`s beer five feet away.
Lasagna is just spaghetti flavored cake.
I could snap at any moment. Seriously, with either hand.
How come they didn`t call this years game the BUD bowl?