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New camo condoms! She`ll never see you coming again.
People tend to get angry when you treat them the same way they treat you.
When one door closes, another one opens.... That`s when you realize that you`ve bought a really bad second hand car.
I HATE it when I get invited to weird events on Facebook. ..For the FIFTH time, I do not want to go to your cat`s birthday party. Damn it! ..My dog is getting married
Four words that I never want to hear: There is no food.
I just don`t understand why Flo from Progressive needs to have an apron on to sell car insurance.
On cold mornings like this I just tell outrageous lies and hope my pants catch fire.
I like dressing in a red polo shirt then going to Target & being rude to costumers
Robots can do anything we set their mind to
If sex between 3 people is called a Threesome and sex between 2 people is called a Twosome... Why is Handsome still a compliment?
Describe yourself in 3 words". "Not good at following instructions"
Imagine coming home from a long vacation and finding your bathroom towels are wet from just being used. I can do that to your ex if you want.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned. She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
Today`s subliminal thought is: …
I’m thinking there’s some type of filter that prevents normal people from like my page