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It’s annoying when Netflix keeps stopping to buffer. Stupid neighbors just won’t upgrade their WiFi.
Making everyone happy is impossible. But pissing them off is a piece of cake. I really like cake.
The further you push me away, the more I begin to enjoy viewing you from a distance.
I wonder how many people die each year from lifeguards running in slow motion?
I bet the first person that heard a parrot talk really lost their sh!t.
They should really be Middle-Age Mutant Business Turtles by now.
My inner child has a bottle of vodka in one hand, a whip in the other and a broken halo sticking out of her back pocket.
Fingerprints are proof that God doesn`t trust us
I was admiring my six pack in the mirror for two hours,then it got cold and I put it in the fridge
The lottery gives you a 1 in 20 billion chance you won`t go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5. You play your game and I`ll play mine.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don`t ask her.
How old do I have to be when I can start pulling in front of cars without looking?
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I`m not expecting them to be practical
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
Do you ever just look at someone and think "Wow, let me take off your pants."