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You`re the reason I wake up every morning... Just kidding, I have to goto work.
You`d think my boss would know me by now and stop asking me everyday if I`ve been drinking.
When does hibernation start? Because I am 100% participating in that.
No one appreciates the special genius of your conversation like the dog does
When in doubt, take a nap.
I checked into a hotel this weekend. I told the girl I hoped the porn channel was disabled. She said "No, its just regular porn, you sicko"
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated...go figure.
I`m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it`s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I`m still better than you.
I have a black belt in leather
I will be responsible for my actions when my actions become more responsible.
Just heard some guy yell "F**K!" ... I thought this was impressive because not many people can pronounce asterisks.
Just when I think I`m over my insomnia the car behind me honks.
“That’s funny” is something I say when I can’t even fake a laugh.
Of course women have cleaner minds than men. They change them much more often
My local news station says it gives us " news when it breaks " ...I want unbroken news!!