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I donate blood 5 times a year just so I`m less and less related to some of my relatives.
I have a brilliant idea once every seven beers.
If people are talking behind your back, then just fart.
I`m really good at making poor decisions. You`re my favorite so far.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
Subway is the only place I can walk in and ask for a 12 inch Italian and not feel like a slut.
When choosing a name for your daughter, imagine her being announced in a strip club. If she doesn`t need a stage name, pick something else.
Being married is 90% talking about what to have for dinner.
If God is a woman then how do you explain: 1) Spiders 2) Shoes you can`t afford 3) Periods 4) Men
If a woman is talking to me about her problems, I better be the cause of them.
Sixth in line to the throne takes on a different meaning when you’re not in the royal family but in a dive bar.
mom- "if you dont have anything nice to say, don`t say anything"
You’d think my password was “yourmom” because my computer just told me it was too easy.
Well another funny thing about this status is, by the time your done reading this, you realize it talks about absolutely nothing and you just wasted your time. Welcome to Facebook.
If we`re in a situation where I am the "voice of reason," then we are in a very very bad situation.