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People who can finish a shampoo bottle at the same time as their conditioner are truly ninja`s.
I got drunk last night and watched the most hilarious television show for hours until I sobered up and realized it was just a mirror.
Patience is not about how long you can wait, but how well you behave while waiting.
The responsibility of taking out the trash should be left to the person who runs out of ways to fit more trash in the bag.
Imagine this: You`re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers `Bless you` and hangs up.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn`t even come close to my 10 year old`s reaction when I told him that there`s no school today.
How did Mexico keep enough people from crossing the border to field a full soccer team?
Do you ever get the feeling that you’re being watched? Because if it’s bothering you, I’ll stop.
The best way to make a bad day better is by adding alcohol.
Thanksgiving advice: Sit at the kids table for as many years as possible.
I don’t mean to brag but when I’m at the Taco Bell drive thru placing my order, I don’t even look at the prices.
Crazy is like diarrhea. You can only hold it in for so long.
When your world is falling apart, when it seems like things can`t get any worse, please remember...I don`t give a s$it.
Never do anything for money. Unless it’s a lot of money. Then do anything.
You seem awesome. I can`t wait to find out what I hate about you.