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So much to say. So not drunk enough to say it.
The best way to grill a chicken is to whack it with a rubber hose before you ask why it crossed the road..
You know what’s funny? Lot’s of sh!t. Loosen up already.
Guns don`t kill people. Fathers with beautiful daughters do.
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn`t concentrate.
Sometimes Late at night. I rearrange traffic signs. People need to be challenged.
i hope your life is as long and useful as this roll of toilet paper!!!
If I have to stir it, it’s homemade.
OK I`ve stumbled out of bed and made it to the computer- and another Facebook day begins!
If you really want someone to listen to you, start the conversation with "I shouldn`t be telling you this but ..."
Mirrors don’t lie. And, lucky for me, they don’t laugh either.
I`m holding cheerleader tryouts for my fantasy football team
There`s no room in my life for B.S. ... Unless it`s burritos oand salsa
Celery is 95% water and 100% not pizza.
I don`t use cocaine, I just like the way it smells.