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My wife didn`t appreciate me pointing out that my alcoholism began around the time that we first started dating.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Things I use duct tape for, by percentage: Pranks: 35% Car repair: 35% Wrapping presents: 20% Medical emergencies: 10% Ducts: 0%
The guy who decided how to spell bologna was clearly in over his head.
I`m just gonna let my pillow decide my hairstyle for tomorrow.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I`m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, "HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME."
My shrink says if I take these pills I won`t see you guys anymore.
Each day is a gift, but some days are socks and underwear
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
Did Humpty Dumpty sue them motherf*ckers for making that wall so high?
Might wake up early and go running but I also might win the lottery, the odds are about the same
Don`t you just love it when you see someone who is photogenic, looks perfect in every picture but then when you see them in person you`re like EURGH God Damn! What happened to you in the last 24h!
Farts are like children. I`m proud of mine and disgusted by yours.
I`m not real excited that the wrapping on my toilet paper said `100% Recycled`.
Throw a stranger a surprise party by putting confetti inside their closed umbrella when they’re not looking!