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They call themselves independent women until furniture needs to be moved
There is always something to be thankful for. If you can’t pay your bills, you can be thankful you are not one of your creditors.
Oops! I hate when I pour myself a drink and then have 12 more by accident.
Nothing f*cks up your Friday like realizing that it’s only Thursday.
Just because they sell yoga pants in XXL doesn`t mean it`s ok to wear them in public.
"I like your tree`s earring." ... "That`s a tire swing."
A leaf blower, but for people.
Has it ever occurred to optimists and pessimists that the glass is refillable?
People with pierced nipples have no excuse for losing their car keys.
I`ve just seen an advert in my local newspaper. ACCOUNTANT NEEDED! $35,000 - $40,000 So I called them up and said, "The answer is -$5,000."
It’s called sarcasm, and it confuses stupid people.
Why has someone not invented a see-through toaster yet?
We can land a rover on an asteroid, but they can`t make a can of shaving cream that doesn`t spill 1/10th of it`s contents after every use.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
You can`t run from your problems. unless your fat.