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I don’t want to sound racist, but all stormtroopers look the same to me.
I always carry a lighter in case I end up at an impromptu concert...or need to set someone`s house on fire. Either way, I`m prepared.
At this point in my life the only reason I want to be rich is to hire somebody to clean my house.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
How are poor people so good at finding money for tattoos?
Sometimes I feel like I get less attention than a white crayon.
Just picked the remote up off the floor with my foot while laying on the sofa so I guess today is leg day.
"Go left at the chopsticks in the road" - Chinese directions
Face down, a$$ up ... that`s the way I tie my shoes.
Dogs are great. You can count on them to alert you of danger...Also, children passing by, squirrels and gusts of wind they don`t like.
Just once I`d like a doctor to tell me I`m not getting enough beer in my diet.
I`m a big advocate of the `You started it` method of defense in an argument.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I`m the proud owner of aisle 7.
I`ve been having real problems with nuisance phone calls lately. The most common one seems to be "You said you`d be home from the bar three f*cking hours ago!"
Give a man a fish & he`ll be all "WTF are you giving me a fish for? That`s weird" Teach a man to fish & he`ll be all "Again with the fish?"