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They call cat people crazy but they`re not the ones outside at 5AM putting fresh dog poop into little baggies.
My girlfriend and I have an open relationship and will continue to do so right up until she finds out.
If I treated others how I wanted to be treated, I`d be doing a ton of spontaneous sexual favors for random strangers.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he`s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
If someone doesn’t stand up to let you pass them in movie theater seats, it’s totally cool and legal to fart in their face as you walk by.
At the start of every relationship many girls treat their boys as a GOD but later the alphabets are reversed
I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.
I will be good today... I will be good today... I will be good today... Yeah.... I didn`t believe it either..
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat And then I realized that he can`t even afford a washer or a dryer
So you mean to tell me a stress ball isn`t for throwing at people who stress you out?
I do love you for your mind, I just like your mind a lot more when you’re naked.
Then there was the ex-cop who started his own landscaping business. He called it Lawn Order.
If Shakespeare is correct and "all the world is a stage" then I seriously would like to be in control of that trap door.
I read that India launched a rocket to Mars the other day. That seems like a strange place to put a call center?