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Word on the street is... Lol. Jk. I don`t go outside.
I sleep better when I`m naked why can`t my boss understand this?!
You know nothing about a woman, until she is drunk and mad at you.
Just realized I have more in common with Garfield than I have with most people
Holy sh*t! Did you guys know Facebook has a "sign out" button?
If you loose a tooth as an adult, the tooth fairy gives you a trailer.
Some people need a shock collar. I need the remote.
When you leave store without buying anything and all you can think is `keep calm, you`re innocent`.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
In America, someone is shot every 15 seconds ... How is that person still alive?
If flying is really so safe, then why is it called the `terminal`?
Most people don`t realize this, but you can eat organic, all natural, gluten-free food without telling everyone around you.
Weekends will from now on begin on Wednesday because that is when it should truly begin!
I may not be the only egomaniac around here, but Iām the only one that matters.
Having kids puts a new perspective on life.