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You can tell how a persons life is going by how they press the crosswalk button.
Sometimes you can tell it’s going to be a bad day when someone you don’t like is smiling.
*Gets absolutely nothing done*… Welp time for a break.
What do they give the person that has everything? antibiotics
My favorite thing about naps is that I don`t have to talk to people during them
Why do people have to get ready for bed? I`m always ready for bed.
I know exactly how a bomb technician feels when I try to open a cup of cherry mixed fruit without the juice spraying out.
The phrase "Don`t take this the wrong way." has a zero percent success rate.
Don`t cry because it`s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
I was all ears until you said something that sounded like advice.
I`m not leaving here without some kind of balloon.
I think I really have an amazing butt, every time I talk to someone and start walking off they say,"what an a$$.."
Sometimes all you need is a hug or someone to tell you everything will be ok, or some rough sex or whatever....
What did I get for Christmas? Fat...
Money isn´t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children.