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I need me a pretty girl with an ugly girl personality
I force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials just to show him how good he has it.
Some women need to realize that showing cleavage doesn`t fix your face.
I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.
Have you ever wondered what a job application at Hooters is like? Maybe they just give you a bra and say, “here, fill this out”.
Things I hate about work: 1. Waking up 2. Humans 3. Working
I was playing catch phrase with my family and the phrase I got was `pearl necklace` .. And then I ruined family time...
Thanks to Facebook, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
According to my fitness app, I watched TV for 6 miles this week.
I don`t burn bridges. I just loosen the bolts a little bit each day.
With great power comes great electricity bill.
Holy sh*t! Did you guys know Facebook has a "sign out" button?
I`m getting tired of having to write "Sent from my iPhone" at the end of all my e-mails. Maybe I should just get an iPhone.
If your friends don’t make fun of you, they’re not your true friends.