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My iPhone autocorrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer" ...I sent it anyways.
If I go missing this holiday season and there’s a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at the gym.
I feel like there’s something missing in my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a dog, or just a pizza.
is in no shape to exercise
Raise the bar..? Like go and drink upstairs..?
Some mornings it`s best just to fill the sink with coffee, dunk you head in, and suck.
I want the time management skills of people who effortlessly carve out entire hours to be offended by every single thing on the internet.
Why can`t Miss Piggy count to 100? Cuz` when she gets to 69, she gets a frog in her throat!
The Mrs said she we need a "conversation piece" in the living room. I`m thinking taco cart...
Apparently "whiskey and wild women" is not an acceptable answer when asked what your weaknesses are during a job interview.
Mister Rogers didn’t adequately prepare me for the people in my neighborhood.
I don’t think I get enough credit for doing everything I do while being unmedicated.
Laughing is the best medicine. But if you’re laughing for no reason, you need medicine.
God: Is there anything else you need Adam? Adam: yes I want a Sandwich! God: Ok let`s create eve.
Elevator music bothers me on so many levels