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Strange new trend at the office. People putting names on food in the company fridge. Today I had a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
Jesus is coming.... look busy
Why does the need to pee intensify by million when you are trying to unlock the door to your house.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who`s sick of her bullsh!t.
Cats have been named the #1 pet held hostage by lonely women.
I`m not saying your house is haunted, but I think a ghost just ate all of your Gummy Bears while you were in the bathroom.
There are 2 types of people in this world, those who press “door close” in the elevator before others can jump on & those who are liars.
You make your own luck`.. a saying most popular with lucky f*ckers
Last night I meant to tell my kids "Good night, I love you", but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school on Thursday because this is bulls**t."
Tonight`s weather forecast: dark. Continued dark overnight with widely scattered of light by morning.
I`m gonna name my son Wussell so people think he has a speech impediment.
Nobody looks back on their life and remembers the nights they had plenty of sleep.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Whoever said “two wrongs don’t make a right” has obviously never experienced McDonalds breakfast after a night of binge drinking.
I will be thoroughly disappointed if the first human born on Mars isn’t named Marvin.