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When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer. Or so I`ve been told. Twice now.
Do I have to wake up? I just woke up yesterday.
Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, & nothing but the truth" ... I choose dare, your honor
"Lazy" is a strong word. I prefer to call it selective participation.
Technically, I don`t have to do anything until my wife wakes up and realizes I`m not doing anything.
Apparently a new study shows that unattractive men make better mates. Nice try, ugly scientists.
What idiot decided to call them marijuana dispensaries and not grass stations?
There is no angry way to say `bubbles.`
I go out all day looking good and saw no one I know. I go out for 5 minutes looking like sh!t and it`s all of the sudden a f*cking reunion.
Cleavage is something you can look down on and approve of at the same time.
I make self-sabotage look like an art form.
One day id like to have a brand new Iphone like the lady in front of me with the food stamps.
Paintball is much more fun when the other people at Walmart don’t know we are playing.
Don`t fall in love, learn how to ruin your life all by yourself.
Imagine if trees gave off WiFi signals, We would be planting so many trees. And we`d probably save the planet too! Too bad they only produce the oxygen we breath :/