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I have to be careful what I say online because my kids might find out how cool I am and want to start hanging out with me.
Working from home means I save money on train tickets and pants, but spend more on vodka and pizza.
Nothing in the world is more expensive than a women who’s free for the weekend.
I want someone to look at me the way I look at chocolate cake.
Let`s lay in bed all day & trade sexual favors for trips to the fridge
It`s friday!! I smell vodka ;)
Would stiff nipples be a good name for my air conditioning company?
Tip of the day: When the cop asks you if you had anything to drink in the last 24 hours, do NOT ask them for the time... trust me
I was raised on the streets is more manly than saying I grew up watching Sesame Street.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can`t do is pick up it`s own poop. You`re just a poop collector.
keep scrolling I`ve got nothing....
The only thing more amusing than someone leaving a voicemail is them asking if you actually listened to it.
The best trick the devil ever pulled was calling herself "him".
People hiking with a giant stick never seem any better at hiking than the rest of us.
Being married is like having the freedom to do whatever your wife tells you.