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If I don`t make at least one person scream, "WTF" then my day is not done yet.
some people just need to be kicked... in the stomach... with steel toed boots
Remember when there was more important crap to do besides Facebook all day? Me neither.
Sunglasses: I don’t want to make awkward eye contact with certain people.
I really shouldn`t have driven home from the bar last night. Especially since I walked there.
If the cigarette tax is meant to discourage smoking, is the income tax meant to discourage working?
75% of my current net worth is in gift cards.
Somehow I`m not nearly as overjoyed with this vegetable slicer as the woman on the infomercial was.
You’d be more impressed with me if you never met anyone else.
You know you are the ugly one if they ask you to take the photo.
Men are usually too focused on the cleavage in the shirt to notice the crazy in the eyes.
Getting another set of teeth would be much more useful at age 60 than age 6.
Like a good neighbor,I don`t really care.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch yesterday.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It`s simple. If it`s clean, it`s on the floor. If it`s dirty, it`s on the floor over there.