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Oh, you’re surprised I’m still single? I’m surprised you can dress yourself. So I guess we’re even.
I made a bucket list for when I kick the bucket. Number one: Wear shoes! Ever tried kicking a metal bucket without shoes? Hurt like hell.
Life is what happens when your cell phone is charging.
Immature is a word boring people use to describe fun people.
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn`t just "lay in bed and watch TV all day" I traveled very far thank u
Pretty considerate of germs to count all the way to five before jumping on the food we drop.
I don`t think boredom gets enough blame for the trouble it causes.
I got a lot more sleep back when phones were only used for calling people.
Why is it called a "personal trainer", instead of an "exercist"?
I`m always amazed that when tragedy strikes how quickly people on Facebook become experts on the subject no matter what it is.
Sometimes, when I wake up in the morning, I`ll read 4 or 5 status updates and I`ll cry, because I relieze how dysfunctional some of my friends life`s are. but then I`ll smile when I remember things like the leftover pizza from last night sitting on the coffee table!
I finally did it. I gave my cat a bath today. It really wasn`t that bad. She enjoyed it. I enjoyed it. Other than the fur sticking to the roof of my mouth, it went well.
No one thinks the screenshot of your text messages are as funny as you do. No one.
Sarcasm: because beating the sh!t out of people is illegal.
If at first you don’t succeed, look in the trash for the instructions