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I would like to give thanks to the brave men and women who died a long time ago tasting which plants were edible and which plants were not.
Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you`ll get if you`re able to "fall asleep right now."
Nothing is quite so annoying as to have someone go right on talking when you`re interrupting!
I bought a huge plastic Christmas tree today! the shop assistant asked me if I was going to put it up myself? I told him "Don`t be stupid, i`m gonna put it in the lounge room"
The ultimate home security system is having shitty stuff.
loosing weight tip: turn your head to the left then to the right. Do this everytime you are offered food.
What do bats eat that makes their sh!t our standard for crazy?
If it wasn`t for pizza delivery, you wouldn`t see me shoveling a walkway.
My roommate complained that I never lifted a finger to help around the house. So I lifted a finger. Apparently, it was the wrong one.
I love how my calendar assumes when I add a 8:00 event, it`s AM. Google thinks I`ve got my life together.
Honk if you want to see my finger.
I don’t know how many girls it takes to change a lightbulb but I guarantee you they’d post pictures of them doing it on Facebook.
I`m out like a fat kid playing dodge ball..
Sarcasm: because beating the sh!t out of people is illegal.
I scream. You scream. The police come ... It`s awkward ;)