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“Why is life so hard?” – Me, trying to open a jar of peanut butter.
Snakes are terrifying because they can`t trip and fall over sh!t. No creature should possess such power.
Care less and you’ll stress less.
I couldn’t believe it yesterday, when I came home and was told by my wife that my 5-year-old son wasn’t actually mine. She says that I need to pay more attention when picking him up from school…
Facebook taught me to mind everyone else`s business.
If you`re ever held at gun point, just remember, I`m behind you 100%.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
There are other things in life besides sex and alcohol. Those other things all suck, but they do exist, I assume.
why waste your brain cells to think of a comment when you can just like someone else`s?
I did not steal your drink. You abandoned it and I rescued it.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand English – dogs
4 out of 5 voices in my head think the other voice is a douche...
roses are red violets are blue da shit in my back yard looks jus like you
You know that old saying? If you seen one woman naked. You want to see all women naked.