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I`m actually a pretty normal person when you ignore the faint cries for help coming from my basement..
That moment when you realize your children have your twisted sense of humor...And you don`t know whether to be proud or scared.
Is it wrong to tell a knock knock joke to a homeless person ?
Survival rule #1: You go first.
That moment you realize that the person who proofread Hitler`s speeches was indeed a Grammar Nazi.
You can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn`t come back, what you`ve lost is a regular pigeon.
What`s the nutritional value of an entire tube of cherry Chapstick? Asking for my two year old.
I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.
If looks could kill, mirrors would be the leading cause of death among ugly people
If you are offended by the opinions I express you can only imagine the ones I keep to myself.
If you tickle me, I’m not responsible for your injuries.
Nintendo should handle education, I don’t remember half the crap from high school but I know all of Super Mario World’s secrets.
Unless life also gives you sugar and water, your lemonade`s gonna suck!
Word of the day is bishop: My aunt fell down the stairs and I had to pick the bishop.
Pretty sure I know what my wife`s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, "A 3-way?" she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.