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What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig ? The letter F ?
Maybe Oscar wouldn`t have been so grouchy if the people on Sesame Street cared about the fact that he`s homeless
I hate that I have to put on clothes to participate in society.
Guys, Everyone. Listen. I`m going to say two words that will change your lives. Pizza Tacos. I know. Just breath.
If anybody asks, I was on Facebook all night tonight, okay? Thanks for having my back, everyone.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she`s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere
You can`t be ugly and play hard to get. It just doesn`t work that way...your already hard to want
I ordered some bubble wrap online. It arrived in a box surrounded by packing peanuts.
So you mean to tell me a stress ball isn`t for throwing at people who stress you out?
Going to Walmart with my mom and kids is a great way to test if the Xanax is working!
My goal in life: Build a time machine and travel forward into the future until I can stop and ask someone "Do you know what `buffering` is?" and they are clueless.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world...
If you feel lonely... dim all lights & put on a horror-movie. After a while it won’t feel like you are alone anymore
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
Sometimes saying "F*ck it" is the best decision.