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You know you watch too much porn when you go to a hospital expecting a threesome.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
That awkward moment when you say goodbye to someone and then both walk in the same direction..
I learn something new every day that I didn`t want to know.
If you go shopping at Walmart and no one stares at you as you walk by, you`re one of them.
I`ve said it before and I`ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don`t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
I’ve always wanted to climb Mt. Everest…just not more than I don’t want to.
I like long walks on the beach and drives through Taco Bells drive-thru.
I`d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars. Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
I am proud to say that I have completed the 1st item on my bucket list... I got the bucket
I cannot turn water into wine but, I can turn ice cream into breakfast so that’s pretty neat.
It must be very hard to be a Nigerian lawyer who specializes in international inheritance law.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you`re really clingy and annoying
There is a special place in Hell for people who stop at yellow lights.