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We still don`t know sh*t about that airplane. - NEWS
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the a$$holes asked me to turn it down.
Step 1 - Change your Wi-Fi password to "blowmefirst." Step 2 - Wait for someone to ask you for it.
When your wife or girlfriend asks,"Do I look fat?" the ONLY correct response is, "Do I look stupid?
I was told that I had an alcohol problem, but I think me and Captain Morgan have it figured out..
Gambling addiction hotlines would do so much better if every fifth caller was a winner.
OMG, you guys, there`s a button on this stove that says "Stop Time". Should I press it??
The doctor said I should be drinking more whiskey. Also, I’m calling myself “the doctor” now.
I have no idea how I use to get around in the dark before I had a cell phone.
Organized people are just too lazy to look for things.
I always win at chess ... by hitting my opponent with a brick.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
I feel sorry for people who take everything way too seriously.
Just got done putting up all the garage sale signs. Hope the neighbor appreciates how much work I put into their surprise garage sale.
Bill Gates: A billi a billi a billi JayZ: Half billi half billi half billi Lil Wayne: A milli a milli a milli Me: A dollar a dollar a dollar