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What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?
There is nothing more annoying than a couple who just got back from vacation.
Just did 100 crunches. Crumbs everywhere.
Meditation never worked for me, so I tried something even better..."Beditation"! You lay down close your eyes and you wake up an hour and a half later!
Things I hate about work: 1. Waking up 2. Humans 3. Working
Don`t be sad laundry, nobody`s doing me either.
Did you ever notice how a woman’s “I’ll be ready in 5min” and a guys “I’ll be home in 5min” are one and the same?
Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
Heads up, peeps. There are over 700 fake Obamacare sites ready to swipe your info. Pro tip: The real site is the one that doesn`t work...
I got in touch with my feminine side today... I made myself a sandwich.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE!? Neighbor: Get out of my house! Me: You`re not even guessing.
Liquid sanity: I call it alcohol..!!
Please don`t mistake my personality for flirting. Just because I`m awesome doesn`t mean I like you.
I will never repeat filthy rumors. So listen closely the first time.
My Superpower is eating 5 times the "suggested serving" size.