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I just found out that checking your credit score actually LOWERS your credit rating. Seriously? That`s like every time you look in the mirror, you get a little bit uglier.
I got all my Christmas shopping done. Hope everyone likes bunny ears, ornamental grass, and discounted peeps.
I always get naked before I get in bed so I don`t know why this lady at Sears is giving me a dirty look in the mattress section.
My girlfriend would be so mad if he found out that I`m telling people she`s my girlfriend.
The circus may no longer come to town but at least we’re guaranteed to always see a few clowns in Washington.
There are 2 types of people in this world, those who press “door close” in the elevator before others can jump on & those who are liars.
Exercise makes you look better naked. Alcohol does the same, you pick..
The sucking moment when you wave to someone & they haven`t noticed you & all are watching you & you feel why you waved in the first place & still you run after the person to stop & say HI
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
If you insist on sending me pics of your boobs please at least be a female!!
I love how my calendar assumes when I add a 8:00 event, it`s AM. Google thinks I`ve got my life together.
Played hide and seek today. I was winning until the cops let the K9 off of the leash.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
She lost me at, "I don`t watch football."
Elevators are so stupid. They have a button for the floor I`m already on.