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If you think you’ve hit rock bottom, the only thing that can cheer you up is bringing somebody else down with you.
The difference between cars and whales is that whales can swim and cars can`t.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that`s just science
You know what`s really great about being a narcissist? Me.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I`m too lazy to learn science too.
Weekends are like a orgasm.. It`s takes a lot to get there and when u finally do it`s over in no time
Scientists are dumb. A meteor didn`t kill the dinosaurs. I`ve been to the museum. It`s obvious they starved to death.
Home is where you can say anything you want, because nobody listens to you anyway.
How many boxes of these Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
How can I be expected to make life choices when I still use my fingers to count?
Those raccoons must of had one heck of a party last night!!!! That`s the 4th one I`ve seen passed out on this road
The biggest cause of cancer in mice is research.
That awkward moment when you type your password where you should`ve typed your email, and your friend`s standing right there -___-
Calling out your ex`s name during sex is a nice way to show your current lover that you won`t forget them after you break up.
Anyone who calls it a "day off with the kids"... Either has no kids or doesn`t know what "day off" means.