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You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.
Whenever I see people doing sign language, I assume they are discussing the best way to murder the rest of us and steal our ears.
It`s annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there`s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
Childhood is like being drunk. Everyone remembers what you did, except you.
I don`t know why beer companies bother with an expiration date. It`s never going to make it anywhere near that.
Just saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster, I had to step in, They couldn`t even lift him, We high-fived & laughed
I’ve been reading a lot about how to live and eat healthier and then not doing anything with that information.
If "The Breakfast Club" was made today, it would be a silent film about five kids staring at their phone
Sometimes I`ll go out in public and socialize with people, those times are called alibis.
It`s always quiet on here at the weekends, it`s like you people have lives or something...
if i get a friend request from you and your profile picture is a car i`ll asume your a transformer
The bad news: I took the wrong medication today. The good news: For the next 3 months I`m protected against heartworms and fleas.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Calories: the little creatures that go into your closet every night and hem the waistline of all your clothes inch by inch
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.