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My girlfriend thinks I`m a stalker. ..well, she`s not exactly my girlfriend yet..
We live in the era of smartphones & stupid people
I`d swim across the ocean for you.. Lol, Just kidding. There`s f*cking sharks in there.
What Meatloaf wouldn`t do for love I would probably do for a six pack.
I`ve been spending so much time on Facebook, that I forgot the internet has porn.
Adulthood is when 4:30am is early in the morning instead of late at night.
Iām sad when my food is over.
A fun thing to do is comment "that ain`t the girl you were with at the bar the other night" on all my married friends Facebook family photos
I finally found a machine at the gym I like: the vending machine!
So I harvested my tomato today, it`s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
"Does this dress make me look fat?"-- Now, what I SHOULD have said was, "No, dear! You are little black dress approved!" but what came out was, "When did your bum move to the front?"
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
If you`re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don`t google `old man bond age`
Vodka: Taking you from a 6 to a 10 in five easy shots
We used to be afraid people on the internet would find us in real life. Now we`re terrified people in real life will find us on the internet