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"I have almost $67 in the bank!" sounded a lot more impressive when I was 12.
Times change When I was a kid, werewolves and vampires were very scary. Now everyone wants to have sex with them
I hate it when people are holding a device capable of using google and they ask me stupid questions.
Lying about my age is easier now that I have trouble remembering what it is.
Michael Schumacher`s former crew just visited him in the hospital. They changed the wheels on his bed and his drip in 4.4 secs.
Keep calm and pretend today isn’t Monday.
I have never preheated an oven but I have pre-eaten a frozen pizza.
Was wondering...when you have a mandatory meeting at work, why do the presenters always thank you for being there?
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
If I owned a copy shop, I’d only hire identical twins to work there.
Every time I see a pregnant woman, I very much want to ask if she swallowed a watermelon seed.
Me: Mom...Dad. I`ve decided to live on my own from now on. Parents: ok, cool. Me: Your luggage is outside
I`m 50% sure this cross eyed guy is starring at my tits.
So many fun things to say ... too many relatives on Facebook to post!