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Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
Behind every great woman there is a man who loves doggystyle.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
If women really knew what men think, there would be restraining orders on all men.
Hey you know what will go good with all that beer you just drank? Social media and a camera phone!
Its around this time each year that i just enjoy going outside and seeing my christmas lights already set up from the year before.
PRO TIP: Date someone who doesn`t drink vodka so she won`t drink all of yours.
As soon as I figure out who drank my 2 cases of beer, I`m gonna try to figure out why I`m so drunk.
Brains are awesome! I wish everyone had one...
Anyone who wastes my time is a clocksucker.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Every member of my family is polite & courteous which I why our pantry has 17 boxes of cookies that contain exactly one remaining cookie
If there is a wrong place and a wrong time, I’ll be there.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
Roger that command center, we have arrived at our destination and will commence countdown..............Sir this is McDonalds how may I help you