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Damn boy! Are you a slinky? Cause I wanna wanna push you down a flight of stairs, then kick you when you stop halfway to the bottom.
I wonder if "Sober Me" knows that "Drunk Me" can Breakdance?
Why isn’t “cheating” a relationship status on Facebook?
Don`t invite me anywhere last minute. I enjoy doing nothing so I need to know ahead of time if my plan to do nothing needs to be changed.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
The Easter Bunny doesn`t always drink, but when he does I bet it`s hopscotch.
I am losing Facebook friends at an alarming rate. Whatever it is that I said, is working like a charm.
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
"Just so you know, you`re coming home with me tonight." I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
I guess I`m somewhat of a big deal, I tell people about my accomplishments and they say "big Deal
Its amazing how many people respond to "Hey Dumba$$!"
Since it started raining all my wife has done is look through the stupid window... If it gets any worse, I`ll have to let her in.
Just once I would like to see a liars pants actually catch on fire
Most of life is waiting for whatever you`re at to be over.
Beer never asks me if I think another beer is prettier than it.