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If there is no chocolate in heaven...I AM NOT GOING!
Why are you showing me pictures of your kid if you have a dog?
It`s not the torch she carries for me that has me worried, it`s the gas can in her other hand.
A good example of mixed emotions would be finding a hundred dollar bill nailed to your tire.
thinks that drinking beer is the second-most satisfying thing a guy can do for himself with one hand.
"Baby on Board" Oh really? Thanks for letting me know. I was about to ram into your car but now I won`t.
I can already tell this is going to be one of those days where I am not rich and famous.
I will not let people drive me crazy because I know it`s in walking distance.
Do you remember that creepy guy who stood behind you on a train 6 years ago and was smelling your hair? Hi!
Life is basically one long, terrible date with yourself.
If you tell me you`re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
Falling in love when lonely is a lot like shopping when hungry, you end up with a bunch of sh!t you don`t need.
I was stood in front of the mirror last night, admiring my six pack. Then it occurred to me, why the f*ck am I not drinking it?
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 300,000 times, well then you`re probably a weatherman.