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I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
My mother always told me to never quit something I`m good at. So here is to her for making me realize that i`m good at being drunk!
I`m an outdoorsy kind of guy, I like to drink beer outdoors
My spirit animal is that chicken who keeps crossing the road for reasons no one can figure.
The recipe I am making says to chill for 30 minutes so I`m sitting back and having a margarita!
That "No alcohol beyond this point." sign might as well say "I bet you can´t chug that whole beer!"
Felt like being Bad today, like an Outlaw Bad, felt like doing something illegal, so I ran through the house ripping off all the Mattress Tags..... Come and get me Coppers, but you won`t take me alive.......................
Life would be so much more interesting if we all had cartoon bubbles over our heads.
When life hands you lemons it should only remind you to buy more tequila, life is as simple as that.
Facebook crushes are all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket.
Being an adult is a lot like going to the vet. We`re all excited for the ride until we realize what it`s like where we`re going.
Sometimes I just go on Facebook to see who has been dumped and who is pregnant.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy. I came back drunk.
Social Media: Because I like to socialize with cool people without having to speak, wear pants or get off the couch.
My favorite in-laws are the ones that don`t exist.