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I bought a Christmas tree today and the guy asked me `Will you be putting it up yourself?` I told him, `No, you sicko, it`s going in the living room!`
If you raise your children, you spoil your grandkids. If you spoil your children, you raise your grandkids.
Based on the condition of my hair in the morning, I`d say there`s a 100% chance my hair has more fun than I do when I sleep.
"This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in a long line, loudly, at amusement parks
that moment when somebody calls your house phone and ask where you are
Texting totally changes your perception of how long stoplights are.
if the shoe fits wear it , if it too tight take it off
That awkward moment when you realize this year is just going to be filled with morons talking about the end of the world the whole time.
If they really want to increase breast awareness, why not try a National Motorboat Day?
The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person to piss you off.
Car next to me in the liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has seven kids! ... I better get in there quick! She`s gonna buy it all.
The only thing I`ve learned from my mistakes is that I make a whole bunch of them
Walmart does not have a dildo section. But it`s always fun to ask their employees if they do.
People go on and on about the length of Subway`s sandwiches but how come nobody talks about their girth?
If you`re going to stalk me at least notice when I`m running low on toilet paper & change the roll.