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Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
I just peed so hard that I laughed a little.
Look at the keyboard. It has `U` and `I` together. Look underneath that. It says `JK`.
Does a transformer get car insurance or life insurance?
Maths teacher: If you have 12 chocolates and you give 5 to Mary, 3 to Claire and 2 to Elizabeth then what will you get? Me: 3 new girlfriends.
I look forward to paying off all my debt so I can get back to just being broke.
I think I need to lose some weight. I tried to sit up earlier and ended up rocking myself to sleep
I bought powdered water but I don`t know what to add to it.
You know it`s a really good bar when there`s a couple outside breaking up.
Cubs fans, you need to wait 107 more years. But don`t worry, 2124 will be here before you know it!
You say toilet, I say alcohol vomit receptacle.
Organized people are just to lazy to look for things.
My Christmas present to all of you? I took a naked selfie and deleted it.
Iām looking up in the sky and I have no idea which cloud has all my data
We welcome the Christmas season at my house by putting out more towels that I am not allowed to touch