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I like surprises. Not the `finger in my a$$ without permission` kind, but flowers are always nice.
This day needs more tomfoolery!
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
For Sale. Old batteries, free of charge.
The iPhone 5S: Because the NSA wants your thumbprint now too.
The older I get, the more I enjoy being bored.
If God is a woman then how do you explain: 1) Spiders 2) Shoes you can`t afford 3) Periods 4) Men
WTF, I feel like I pay these bills every month.
That first kiss in the morning is so special, and the dog enjoys it too.
Women are so silly sometimes, thinking men actually care if they fake it.
I always find the "easy-open tab" right after I finally manage to tear the package open with my teeth.
The human body is amazing... You breathe in oxygen and it converts it into sarcasm.
Thought I was having deja-vu. But it turns out, I do the exact same things every day.
My ex-girlfriend said she broke up with me because I was childish and immature. I think it`s because she`s a big dumb stinky head that`s jealous of my awesome Transformers collection.
My family tree is a cactus, we`re all pricks.